If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath