People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My dad teaching me to drive
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.