Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I have a black belt in leather
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …