Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.