Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.