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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying