KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
How can I say no to this ?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
boat question
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing