Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.