There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
You Might Also Like
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Bobby pin
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue