*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.