[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin