My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.