grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”