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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.