Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.