So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I need to get some bricks…
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
liiiiiiiiike
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!