Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Word!
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”