i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I bet
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.