Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
You Might Also Like
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Ken is short for chicken
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Finished stitching this today 😇
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
What’s a Messi?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner