devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
not to brag, but mine was free
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.