Encore…
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
why does this building look like a guilty dog