is frankincense just very honest incense?
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”