children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
You Might Also Like
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Only a mother’s love …
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.