SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
You Might Also Like
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.