detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Sooo many times…..
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*