Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
meanwhile over on facebook
Me too 😆
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Okay me first
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I put the p in pants.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”