I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Google Pay be like:
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
had to share :’)
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.