[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT