It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time