Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
how to market bottled water to dads
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.