“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[loses house key, starts a new life]
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.