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I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Ha
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin