noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one