*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Hey! This isn’t my car!
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™