Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
constantly working on myself.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.