Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.