[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Haha good job!!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep