your honor my client chooses dare
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.