What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.