“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Comparing yourself to others
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too