find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Midwest trash talk
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.