no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
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Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
How funny!
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion