Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
San Francisco has too many rules
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.