Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*