Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
What the dentist sees