*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
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i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice