WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
welp