They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing