Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather