I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
lost dog
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns